National Day of Prayer: Lord Hear My Prayers

Genesis 4:1-12
Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, "I have acquired a man from the LORD." 2 Then she bore again, this time his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. 3 And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering of the fruit of the ground to the LORD. 4 Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat. And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, 5 but He did not respect Cain and his offering. And Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell.

6 So the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? 7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it."

8 Now Cain talked with Abel his brother; and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.

9 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is Abel your brother?"
He said,"I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?"

10 And He said, "What have you done? The voice of your brother's blood cries out to Me from the ground. 11 So now you are cursed from the earth, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. 12 When you till the ground, it shall no longer yield its strength to you. A fugitive and a vagabond you shall be on the earth." NKJV

My own heart is sorely distressed--not so much because of my girls, but because of my son. He's quite ambitious in his expression of anger & rage, and I'm typically the recipient of his great displeasure (whether I'm to blame or not). In truth, Ben needs to be put out of our home, but I have no idea how to do such a thing. I'm weary to the depths of my core. It is a sad ending to motherhood's journey when your only child is nearly 21 years old and has virtually no ambition to pursue anything.

Well, that's not exactly true. He eagerly waits to turn 21 so he can pursue the plethora of saloons in town. My heart is a shambles over my incredible failures as a mother & teacher -- all that I have invested in him by way of education and Biblical worldview has yielded little more than a fledgling alcoholic. At least I can rest content that my daughters will never curse God so venomously; they will never end up in porn videos, and they certainly won't ever wake up screaming unmentionable obscenities at me.

Truth be told, Ben has been wicked mean to me ever since Abigail died, and he only got meaner after Anne died. This last month of April--especially the week of her birthday--his meanness level has been at an all-time high. He had a raging tirade at me last week where I thought for sure I'd need some sort of state official to intervene. I worry that he will become one of the countless thousands who will not turn back to God until he's in a prison cell, having done something in a fit of rage that can never be undone.

God has put me in a place where all I can do is pray, and yet I have no idea what to pray for. I told Ben yesterday that all I want is to be able to rest in my grave knowing that he can take care of himself properly and that he knows His Lord & Savior so that he will be with me again in heaven. All I want is to know that all my children will be with me in eternity. Some times he seems to truly grasp that, and other times he's as oppressive as Kaiser Wilhelm....

I just feel so ashamed of how things have turned out with him. It's like I can hear God whisper to my heart, "why should I have let you have those two wonderful princesses when you obviously didn't do well with the one opportunity you were given." I know that's the devil trying to undermine what's left of me, but still... It's so hard.

Most kids want to go to college or some sort of vocational training. I have no idea how to inspire my child to move beyond his stagnant place. I've presented our anger mgt training materials again & again & again. I've begged him to take his medical pkg from work and look into antidepressants (he's lost that job now, so he has no medical coverage--plus he was furiously adamant about not going that route). I've emplored him to reconsider school. I've asked him repeatedly to find a roommate and move out--sink or swim on his own dime and then maybe he'd appreciate all his parents really are in terms of protection.

I just want him to get a goal and pursue it. My biggest fear is that, like Cain, his goals will involve great detriment to his future, and that I will put him in the cemetery too. Truly I have cried as many tears for him as I have for my girls.

To be certain, I know what Eve must have felt as she contended with Cain--her good child dead & in the ground, while her bad child wanders around cursing God and making alliance with the wickedness of the world...

Luke 15:11-16

11 And he said, A certain man had two sons:

12 And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.

13 And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

15 And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine .

16 And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him....
KJV

My son is not yet at the place where the next verse continues: "And when he came to himself..." He yet wrestles with Cain's mindset where he's adamant that the world oews him something (for nothing). He is angry that God, parents and society continue to remind him that he must invest in hard work, generosity, compassion, gratitude, humility, etc. He is profane in his response. He is angry that God and parents are right in their expectations. Ultimately, God had to banish Cain from his family. At least the prodigal son had motivation to go and pursue his selfish life. My son doesn't even have ambition to be the prodigal. I fear what God has in store for him in the way of disciplinary lessons! Please Lord, bless him & keep him; make Your face to shine on him and be gracious to him; make Your countenance shine upon him and give him peace...

Hebrews 10:31
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.